LAUGH LINES
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Caffeine Fix: “In Chicago, gasoline runs $2.69 a gallon. $2.69? What are they making it out of? Starbucks coffee?” (Jay Leno)
Home Sweet Home: In Money magazine, “among the best places [to live]: Bend, Ore., Fort Collins, Colo., . . . The worst place to live . . . one of Al Gore’s rental properties.” (Leno)
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The Essential
David Letterman
Top Tips for Being a Good Juror
10. Why let the judge have all the fun? Bring your own gavel.
9. Not enough evidence? Remember: Heads--innocent. Tails--guilty.
8. After every statement, mutter, “Yeah, right.”
7. Wait for a quiet moment, then loudly make sound of electric chair.
6. If sequestered, exercise your constitutional rights and demand a hooker.
4. Be considerate: During trial, play Gameboy with the sound off.
3. Sit in the second row--no one can tell if you’re wearing pants.
2. Ask the attractive stenographer if she wants to do a little “jury tampering.”
1. Remember: Everyone’s guilty.
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