Can’t We All Just Be Civilized?

Civility is a wonderful goal in politics, even if you have to pound it into the stupid, ugly skulls of certain individuals who are too dense to practice it voluntarily.

Whoops.

Shouldn’t have said it.

Sorry, sorry, sorry again, for possibly offending all persons with differently shaped heads.

I can see I’ll need to polish some rough edges if I’m ever going to run for office in Thousand Oaks.

Not so long ago, “nice” wasn’t a term you would apply to political discourse in Thousand Oaks.

“Bloodcurdling,” perhaps. But not “nice.”

It was Thousand Oaks, after all, where City Council members were perpetually ripping out each other’s throats, interrupted only by a large and loyal band of venom-spewing onlookers. At one point, a woman brought her small daughter to the council chambers, proclaiming to her elected officials and to the TV camera: “I wanted her to see what dishonorable people look like. I wanted her to see what liars and cheats look like.”

Yikes.

Much of the bile has receded, but that hasn’t stopped Councilman Andy Fox from acting before next November’s council election to prevent another flood.

Fox is concerned that certain candidates might draw and quarter certain other candidates in campaign statements on the city-run TV station, TOTV Channel 10. He has proposed that campaign videos be screened for negative content--such as personal attacks and even inappropriate use of an opponent’s name--before they are broadcast.

On Friday, Fox was doubtful that his idea would get past the constitutional problems it raises. All the same, he said, Channel 10 is a branch of the city and shouldn’t be the setting for municipal savagery. Philosophical debate? By all means. Liver-skewering? No thanks.

“I hope people in the community won’t get stuck on the legal issue,” he said. “I just wanted to raise awareness. I hope people say, “It might not be legal, but the guy’s right.’ ”

It’s hard not to cheer a call for more civility, especially in politics.

All the same, it’s sometimes necessary to say that a coldhearted, underhanded, self-serving hypocrite is a coldhearted, underhanded, self-serving hypocrite, especially in politics.

Campaign ads might be even more strained and unbelievable than they are in real life:

“Thank you, citizens of Thousand Oaks, for inviting me into your media niches.

“By this stage in the campaign, you are familiar with my vision for our city.

“You know I am a big believer in the quality of life. I believe that new roads should be constructed at a grade of no more than 90 degrees. I believe that all growth should be smart growth, that our young people receive anti-cynicism pills and that our horsies get free hay.

“Most of all, fully half of our residents should earn more than the median income. These things I believe.

“Now I would like to say a few words about my esteemed opponent.

“But let me be honest. He is no opponent. He is my friend, colleague, my collaborator in educating the public on the important issues facing us.

“This man--whose name I won’t mention--is selfless. He has done extensive volunteer work in our community. Sometimes on weekends, you can see him in his simple orange vest, picking up trash by the roadside with the other volunteers.

“The man is tireless, and he has such compassion for the less fortunate. Walking down the street with him, I witnessed a touching scene: An elderly woman clad in rags approached him, placed her palsied hand upon his shoulder and said in a small, wavering voice: ‘Spare change, mister?’

“And my opponent, my friend, said: ‘No thanks--I’ve got plenty!’

“That’s the kind of man he is.

“The issue of development, of course, is very important to all of us, and he has made every effort to understand both sides. He has shared instant coffee at the kitchen tables of environmental leaders and he has quaffed champagne in Acapulco on stress-reducing getaways with highly sensuous representatives of the major development companies.

“And I cannot stress this enough: He is beholden to no one. He makes up his own mind on the big issues. Sometimes he stays up all night to weigh the issues, pacing through the million-dollar hillside home he has managed to buy without an actual job. Talk about thrift!

“I don’t envy you voters the tough choice you have before you.

“You can choose me--a solid family man--or you can choose my friend, whose family values are so deep that he is currently practicing them in two marriages simultaneously!

“He’s so good I might even vote for him--because in politics, you just have to call ‘em like you see ‘em.

“Thank you, and God bless.”

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Steve Chawkins can be reached at 653-7561 or at [email protected]