L.A. to Gore: Take Your Convention--Pleez

In case you haven’t heard, the Democrats are holding their national convention starting Aug. 14 right here in Los Angeles--as close as they could get to Beijing without being obvious. Along with the Democrats comes a mob of impassioned, headline-stealing activists. And I don’t just mean the Baldwin brothers. About 50,000 demonstrators are expected to descend upon our city, trumpeting their causes, vying for attention and eventually settling in as scab replacements to the Screen Actors Guild strikers.

It’s anyone’s guess how these protests will play out, but judging by the recent free-for-alls in Seattle and after the Lakers’ championship win, this’ll be no Hands Across America. Things could get ugly. By some estimates, demonstrators could pose as much of a threat to public safety as a mild earthquake, a small army or Puff Daddy.

These are unique circumstances calling for something other than police tactics as usual. We’re talking 50,000 suspects--who’s got that kind of evidence to plant? And so, after weeks of policy review, tactical simulations and “protest sensitivity training,” the department is promising a balanced response, one that’s commanding yet not offensive, bold but not overbearing, fruity with a fragrant bouquet.

To ensure appropriate demonstrator conduct, the L.A. City Council has stepped up to heroically pass some measures, rules like permits-only, no littering and proper attire required. Because if there’s one thing anarchists respond to really well, it’s a lot of restrictions imposed by authorities.

The convention area itself is off-limits. You can’t have people just a stone’s throw away when their intent is to throw stones. So, while the delegates inside are busy trying to pass Al Gore off as Bill Clinton without the hickeys, demonstrators outside must limit their activities to the designated protest areas, conveniently located just a few blocks away . . . in Barstow.

In short, the Democrats’ much-anticipated national convention has been declared a closed set. And in this town we all know what that means: The buzz is not good.

One clear sign of trouble: This epic--”Democrats 2000: The Convention”--is barely underway and it’s already $4 million over budget. Backers are angling for more from private donors. They’ve even asked James Cameron to drop his director’s fee.

More bad news: whispers of story problems. Big story problems. As in a lead character who vows to eliminate the combustion engine and claims he invented the Internet. Add to that a murky subplot where he mistakes a Buddhist fund-raiser for a Tae-Bo class.

And the latest punch-ups? Yech!! No intrigue. No suspense. Not one person voted off an island. Just saccharin drivel about educating children and providing affordable medicine to the elderly. Bruce Vilanch, where are you?! They’ve even written in a cameo role for the first lady. She was originally signed on as an extra and to help out with props--she makes all the confetti with the White House shredder--but now she has a big speech in Act 1.

Another red flag: still no co-star. A rumored “short list” includes Senate star Evan Bayh (a real cutie) and the more seasoned George Mitchell (just coming off his role as an Irish peacemaker). But I say chuck it all and go with Janeane Garofalo. She’s great in everything!

Production headaches aside, here’s the real dish. Are you ready? The star, Gore, simply isn’t testing well. Focus groups prefer the other guy, the bad-boy living off the name recognition of his father. Could you imagine? It’s like finding out you have a lower Q-rating than Charlie Sheen.

Sadly, the omens are all there. The Democrats couldn’t have a more sure-fire bomb on their hands if it starred Michael Keaton. Things are so bad--and you didn’t hear this here--there’s talk of getting Streisand involved, which means having to completely redo the lighting.

All that’s left now is to fire up the spin machine, order more smoke and mirrors and handle the critics. Which in this case means keeping them behind the police barricades.