The Plight of ‘New Traditional Wives’

Mary Quigley and Loretta Kaufman met several years ago after Kaufman returned to New York University for a journalism degree and Quigley was her teacher. Their instant affinity was based on both being mothers and also noticeably older than everyone else in class.

Outside of class, Quigley and Kaufman traded war stories about juggling family and career, both having put employment on hold at different points in their lives. Kaufman had married at 21 and had two children right away; Quigley had worked for 10 years, had children, then returned to part-time work. When their children were small, said Kaufman, 55, both felt they had to be home “because our husbands were so committed to their jobs.”

Their affinity for this topic led to a collaboration that resulted in the recently published book, “And What Do You Do? When Women Choose to Stay Home” (Wildcat Canyon Press, $14.95). Quigley and Kaufman admit that staying home is financially out of the question for many women--and is not, at this point, even the norm. According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, 72% of women with children under 18 had jobs last year.

But the internal struggles of professional women who choose to become mothers is a perennial one in this post-feminist age, and there always seems to be space on the bookshelf for the topic. This addition to that literature addresses what the authors call “the new traditional wives,” women who put careers on the back burner while bringing up babies. Based on interviews with women who made that choice, it offers advice and support, as well as creative ways to respond to the query in the book’s title. (Kaufman’s favorite: “I’m changing the world . . . one child at a time.”)

Even though her children are now in their 30s, Kaufman still remembers the discomfort she felt when she was asked “What do you do?” Mothers, she said, often feel their work is unimportant and consider it boring--or even shameful--to admit to being “just” a mother. “Often, when someone asked your profession, if you didn’t say you were a rocket scientist, they would turn away and look for someone else to talk to.”

Rather than seeing stay-at-home mothering as “a heavy-duty sacrifice phase,” said Quigley, who lives in Rockville Centre, N.Y., many of the women they interviewed were talented professionals who believed “there’s more to life than having a title on your door.”

Instead of feeling guilty about staying home, said Kaufman, women are trying to see that option as satisfying on a number of levels. “For women who feel, in their minds and hearts, that this is what they want to do, this is a fine choice and a viable one. Your mind will not turn to mush!”

Quigley worked for a decade in publishing and public relations before starting a family in her 30s. Part of her inspiration for the book came, she said, from how bad she sometimes felt when telling others about her decision to work only part time after the children came along. “There’s no prescribed way to do things if you don’t want to work full time,” she said. “You have to invent your life for yourself.”

Women who have made different choices, she said, may feel threatened by, or dismissive of, the idea of staying at home to raise children. “If you are going to put your family first, you can be made to feel as if you have let the women’s movement down,” said Quigley. “Sometimes,” she added, “women are our own worst enemies: I wish we could be more accepting of each other and what we do.”

One of the pitfalls of leaving the workplace--with its built-in relationships with other adults--is a sense of isolation from other people. “It’s so important to find circles of friends,” said Kaufman, “whether it’s a book club or simply getting together at 5 o’clock each day to shampoo the kids’ hair.”

To bring together women who stay at home all or part of the time to care for their children, groups such as Mothers and More, or Mothers Offering Mothers Support club, which recently changed its name from Formerly Employed Mothers at the Leading Edge, are flourishing in many parts of the country.

Cindy Lish, a New York mother and former financial trader who joined Formerly Employed Mothers after her 3-year-old son was born, said: “In my group, we were all high-powered career women making the difficult transition into mothering. Most of us hadn’t planned on staying home--until after our children were born.”