Schilling’s Multiple Personality Disorder

In the face of the trading deadline, Philadelphia ace Curt Schilling told writers that he really would prefer to remain with the Phillies.

But, when Schilling bumped into Denny Neagle, a brand new New York Yankee, at a Manhattan movie theater a few days later, he told Neagle, “You lucky jerk. God, that’s where I wanted to go. As soon as I saw it on the ticker, I was like, ‘Dang him!’ ”

Schilling was on his way to see “Me, Myself and Irene.”

It’s about a guy with a split personality.

It rhymes with pampering: George Steinbrenner, on adding David Justice and Neagle, but not the other guy: “We made two good deals. But let me tell you something about that one big guy, Sammy Sosa. I think Sammy Sosa brings so much to the table. He has got a great attitude and a great personality. He’s a civic guy. I can’t understand why the Tribune Company wouldn’t want Sammy Sosa.”

Cardinal sin: White Sox reliever Jesus Pena nearly beaned St. Louis’ Eduardo Perez last week, instead hitting him in the biceps.

In an incredible lapse in judgment, Pena admitted that he had aimed at Perez’s head, momentarily forgetting the pitchers’ time-worn credo, “Deny, deny, deny.”

Cardinal Manager Tony La Russa responded, “He must be the stupidest guy wearing a uniform.”

Target practice: Perez was equally incredulous.

“He must really stink,” Perez said, “if he can miss my head. I’m a [size] 8.”

That’s porous: How bad is the Chicago Cub bullpen?

“My buddies came in from San Diego,” Mark Grace said, “and one of them said, ‘We’ve decided that if this was American Legion, you’d be in first place, because they only play seven innings.”’

Funny, that’s where Ed Lynch is working now.

Nudity loves company: What was with last Sunday in Major League Baseball?

In Toronto, half-naked strippers paraded at the windows of SkyDome’s Renaissance Hotel. Then, a fully naked couple had to be reminded to shut the drapes before they, you know, calculated the exchange rate.

In Kansas City, a naked guy dashed onto the field and made a head-first slide into second base.

Naked guy. Head-first slide.

That’s commitment.

Farewell: It hurts a little when a good pitcher and a better guy has an ERA that rivals Eduardo Perez’s hat size.

That is why we mourn the loss of David Cone, and his slider. There never again will be a big-league ballplayer who admits his first career goal was to be a sportswriter. Most have a goal to beat a sportswriter.

Still, the Yankee right-hander insisted: “By no means have I given up. By no means do I think I’m done. It’s not going to end this way. I’m not going to allow it to end this way. Either I turn it around and start helping the team or they make a tough decision to get me out of there.”

Still, we insist: David Cone meet Orel Hershiser. Orel, David.

The news: Officials for the Baltimore Orioles, whose ballclub has one regular under 30, are considering selling the naming rights to Oriole Park at Camden Yards.

The answer: Have they contacted the AARP?

No way to treat a Kennedy: The Cincinnati Reds went into full denial mode moments after it was reported that Ken Griffey Jr. was available, first by Fox.

“Kevin Kennedy probably had nothing else to talk about,” Red Manager Jack McKeon said, “so he figured this would give him some attention.”

They call him . . . infrequently: You wonder if Ismael Valdes will ever be happy.

Just for a second, though, then he goes back to biting off his toenails.

The former Dodger hasn’t won since May 19 for the Cubs, which makes it less likely new GM Andy MacPhail will be able to dump him on somebody else. Valdes is bummed, the first time the word has been used as a verb in regard to Valdes.

“Just a bad game, bad timing,” Valdes said after a bad start Tuesday. “I have a chance to go to a contending team or go somewhere else or get traded. A chance just to go away.”