Doing Hard Time With the Court Jester

For the first time since 1957, California jurors are getting a pay raise.

The puny $5 a day they’ve earned the last 43 years now goes to $15 a day, to spend or invest any way they want.

Instead of pay that equals what they’d make working the lunch-hour counter at McDonald’s, jurors now will make almost as much as a migrant farm worker.

The state hopes the raise will discourage people from trying to escape jury duty.

What a misguided expenditure of $19 million.

Why not spend the money entertaining potential jurors, who must spend long hours doing nothing in the jury assembly room?

Picture 110 tired and irritable jurors at 8 in the morning, as a tuxedoed guy with a pompadour bounds into the room:

“Everybody out of the pool! Just kidding. In fact, just try and leave, I dare you. It’ll be the last thing you do. Just kidding. Hi, everybody, my name is Johnny Mortimer, and I’ll be keeping you entertained for the next couple of hours or until you die of boredom, whichever comes first. Welcome to the courthouse, or as I like to call it, ‘Heartbreak Hotel.’ So, how many of you think you’re at the taping of, ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.’ Well, you’re in the wrong place, so get outta here. Just kidding. Before I forget, who ordered the short stack with hash browns? Hey, just kidding! But, wow, this is kind of early, isn’t it? I had to tiptoe past my pet rooster when I left the house this morning. Seriously, I haven’t seen this many long faces since I worked the basset hound show in Altoona last month. What’s with you people? Don’t you know it’s a privilege to send someone to the gas chamber? Let’s act like you’re enjoying it. Did all you gals run out of makeup the same day? Ha, just kidding. Really, you look great. Except for you, ma’am, there in the second row. Hey, just kidding. Stand up, let’s give her a big hand for being a good sport, whaddya say? I swear under oath I’m happy to be here. Would I lie? If I did, could you tell? Hey, let’s hope so! I probably should tell you that I’m a former felon myself. I was convicted six years ago in Duluth of passing bad jokes. Seriously, I know some of you wonder what you’re doing here today. And, believe me, we’re going to weed you out! The rest of you can stay.

“Anyone got any questions so far? Yes, you, sir, in the back, the guy raising two fingers. Let’s give him a nice round of applause for drawing attention to himself for no particular reason. Oh, I see. My apologies, sir--it’s the third door down the hall on your left, sir. And, please, hurry back, I’m about to start reading from the state penal code, in Latin. And, yes, there will be a test later, so don’t fall asleep on me. If you need to sleep, you can do that if you’re picked for the jury. Just kidding. Some of you may not know that dozing on a jury is now punishable by up to six months in jail. I kid, but the good news is that we’ve got a great lineup of cases for you today, so I don’t think anybody picked for the jury will be falling asleep. We’ve got cases ranging from assault-and-battery in Courtroom 4 to an exciting cult kidnap case in Courtroom 9. I talked to the lawyers on both sides last night, and I think you’re going to enjoy them. They both put on a fine show, and the witness list is one of the best I’ve seen.

“All right, I’m hearing voices in my ear telling me it’s time to send you folks off to your courtrooms. As you know, some of you will be taken hostage by deranged bailiffs and not return alive, so if you have anything to say to anyone, say it now. I’m kidding, of course. Some of you are about to embark on one of the most important days of your life, a day in which you do your part to help society. The rest of you will be picked as jurors. Hey, just kidding. My time is up, you’ve been a great crowd, thanks for answering your summonses and, in case you missed it, my name is Johnny Mortimer, guilty of attempted humor. I hope to see you again and, remember, if you ever see me on the witness stand, hey, I’m just kidding!”

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Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by calling (714) 966-7821 or by e-mail to [email protected]