Parking Scofflaw Must Answer for His Crime

Hiking back to my car Sunday, I felt terrific. I had just done seven brisk miles on the old Sulphur Mountain Road, a wide, hilly dirt trail that meanders through ranch country outside of Ojai. The sun was setting, the air smelled of sage, the purity of physical exercise was radiating from my every pore, and . . . what’s this?

A PARKING TICKET? HERE? IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE?

As it turned out, I was parked illegally on a dead end in the middle of nowhere, just on the wrong side of a sign that said something confusing and ambiguous, like No Parking Any Time. So I confess: It was I who violated Chapter 1 of Division 7 of the Ventura County Ordinance Code. And it is I who will take my $30 punishment like a man, or, to be as inclusive as possible, like a person.

The ticket isn’t the point here.

The point is the stunning array of side dishes that accompanied it.

As a three-decade parking violator, I have received numerous tickets--but never one with a questionnaire that says, imploringly: “Please share with us . . . .”

Drew Mashburn, the Ventura County park ranger who had tucked the citation under my windshield, was thoughtful enough to include copies of two informative articles about Sulphur Mountain Road. Plus a list of phone numbers for area parks, campgrounds and golf courses. Plus a map of the “Ventura County Regional Recreation System.” And, astonishingly, a “guest questionnaire.”

“The General Services Agency of Ventura County is anxious to serve you!” this violator was informed, with an exclamation point.

And I didn’t even know they cared! It’s as if the FBI gave freshly nabbed bank robbers menus of jail fare and friendly forms asking “How’d We Do?” I have to admit this is the first $30 ticket for illegal parking on a Sunday evening in the middle of nowhere that ever gave me even a mild chuckle.

Mashburn, a ranger since 1974, told me he has tried to take the sting out of parking tickets for years.

“I don’t know if you can ever make getting a citation pleasant, but part of my job is educating the public,” he said. “If I run across something interesting, something that can enhance the recreational experience, then I’ll leave it--along with the ticket.”

Leaving hiker-friendly materials along with tickets isn’t department policy, a county parks spokeswoman said, and the questionnaires about park services aren’t frequently returned.

But when they are, the answer to question 11--”Please make any additional comments or suggestions”--can be more vivid and compelling than a family newspaper would print.

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IDENTITY CRISIS: Here’s a boiled-down rendering of a recent interchange between a reporter and a woman answering the phone at a county supervisor’s office.

Reporter: Can I speak to the supervisor, please.

Woman: She’s at lunch. Can I tell her what this is about?

Reporter: I’m writing a story about an upcoming vote and I’d like to talk to her about it.

Woman: Well, I don’t think she’d be interested in talking to you about that.

Reporter: Don’t you think that should be up to her to decide?

Woman: Why should I talk about a vote I haven’t even made yet?

Reporter: Um, well--who am I speaking with? Is this the supervisor? I thought you were at lunch!

Woman: Um, well . . . what is it you wanted again?

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HEADS UP: The Ventura County Astronomical Society might be small, but it’s more powerful than you’d think.

It’s not merely that the group is hosting a conference at Ventura’s Holiday Inn next week for the likes of the Astronomical League, the Assn. of Lunar and Planetary Observers, the Astronomical Society of the Pacific, the American Assn. of Variable Star Observers, the International Occultation Timing Assn., the American Assn. of Amateur Astronomers, the International Dark Sky Assn., the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence Institute, and the Society of Amateur Radio Astronomers.

I mean, who hasn’t done that?

The more dramatic indication of the group’s influence is a modest announcement on its Web page (https://www.vcas.org).

“We have scheduled a naked-eye comet to grace our night skies in celebration of Astrocon 2000!”

Besides the scheduled comet, Astrocon will feature talks by world-class astronomers, day trips to Southern California observatories, and a guest appearance by Star Trek’s James Doohan--the Scotty of “Beam me up, Scotty.”

Star dates: July 19-22.

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EARTH TO NEWHALL: If astronomers can find water millions of miles away on Mars, how come you can’t find enough for the huge development you’re planning next to Ventura County?

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Steve Chawkins can be reached at 653-7561 or at [email protected].