The Stars’ Mantra: Accept No Substitutes

Someone alert Al Gore. America may be in danger of exhausting one of its most precious natural resources.

No, not the Redwoods, but Regis.

That would be Regis Philbin (like Madonna and Cher, he no longer really needs a surname), who will toil four nights a week this fall, doling out cash mostly to middle-aged white guys, the demographic that keeps successfully push-buttoning its way into the “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire’s” hot seat.

Having hosted three nights a week since January, Philbin adds a fourth edition during the coming TV season, plus his daytime gig on “Live With Regis and [Some Perky Woman’s Name Here].” Not exactly a relaxing schedule for a 67-year-old man who underwent a procedure in April to clear a small coronary blockage.

Sources say ABC floated the suggestion of introducing guest hosts to lighten the load, but “Millionaire” executive producer Michael Davies pooh-poohed the idea.

Davies, the former ABC executive who by all rights should now own the network, said the question of guest hosts has “never really been an issue.” There has been discussion, he said, of bringing in Chris Tarant, host of “Millionaire’s” British version, for a few days just because it would be fun for viewers to see the contrast in style.

As for Philbin’s endurance, the plan is still to produce episodes as close to the actual broadcast date as possible (unlike series such as “Wheel of Fortune” and “Jeopardy!,” which can tape a week’s worth of programs in an afternoon), yielding 48 original weeks’ worth of “Millionaire” for the coming year--or at least 192 installments--in 39 weeks of production time.

Such a schedule will leave Philbin the same amount of vacation time he currently enjoys on his morning show, Davies noted. “The process of ‘Millionaire’ is not that taxing to him,” he said, adding wryly, “I’m far more concerned about exhausting me.”

Philbin, who claims to have “the heart of a lion” and always seems as if he couldn’t be slowed down if hit by a large tranquilizer dart, chimed in that guest hosts were unnecessary.

“I’m looking around for something to do in the late afternoons!” he shouted into a cell phone from New York. “I’m itching to go back to work!” As for guest hosts, he yelled, “Who the hell would they get? Who could do it?”

Of course, the current aversion to guest hosts is hardly confined to “Millionaire.” David Letterman underwent a quintuple bypass and only reluctantly agreed to guest hosts before returning, crankier than ever.

“The Tonight Show’s” Jay Leno, meanwhile, works almost compulsively, as detailed in an article Sunday by The Times’ Paul Brownfield. You would think at this point thatLeno could stop auditioning for the job, but being No. 1, in this case, only makes him try harder.

There was a time when such perennial TV showcases were used to seed new talent. Instead of repeat weeks, programs would bring in guest hosts, keeping the schedule minty-fresh.

Moreover, including a new face from time to time served as a way to garnish shows, to add some spice to what might otherwise be a stale mix. It would be interesting to watch someone sit in for Regis, or for that matter to occupy Leno’s or Letterman’s chair. Would “Millionaire” be the same show without Philbin? Some insist not, while others are convinced the format is durable enough to survive without him.

Chalk up the absence of guest hosts in part to the insecurity of people in these positions, despite the fame and fortune associated with them. Johnny Carson may have spent his spare time crushing all who dared venture into late night against him--including “Tonight Show” fill-in Joan Rivers, whose defection to Fox set the cause of guest hosts back about 20 years--but Carson at least knew he had the job.

Yet today, even television’s best-established personalities appear to be running scared--an ultimate symbol of the chronic state of unease that plagues the entire business. If the TV industry’s stars are prone to such anxiety, you can imagine why everyone else is such a neurotic wreck.

As it is, ABC continues to reap the rewards of “Millionaire’s” ratings while waiting nervously for the proverbial other shoe to drop--for the balloon carrying this hefty cash cow to either begin slowly leaking or pop outright. Given that the program won’t be a year old for another month, such uncertainty provides an eloquent commentary about the perceived shelf-life these days of any pop culture phenomenon.

Davies, meanwhile, is growing more bullish. Having recently tested the first batch of “Millionaire” reruns (playing the original 13 episodes broadcast last August), he’s convinced the program can stand the test of time, becoming a TV staple in the same way “Jeopardy!” and “Wheel” keep rolling along. Even if the franchise begins to tire and viewership slips a bit from its top-rated perch, ABC need only excise an episode here or there, and the show’s relatively low production costs ensure it will remain hugely profitable.

“Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” has already demonstrated an ability to boost viewership through a ratings stunt, with a celebrity edition in May that will be reprised in November. The challenge facing the producers now is finding ways to keep feeding the beast--turning the franchise into the next “60 Minutes,” not just another programming Hula Hoop.

Guest hosts would be one obvious way to break up the monotony. Any votes for Dana Carvey, who beyond his quick wit could provide his dead-on Philbin impersonation? Dennis Miller, as a means of cross-promoting his new gig on “Monday Night Football” (for pointers see CBS, which currently stands for Chronically Boosting “Survivor”)? Bill Maher, who, if all else fails, could verbally abuse contestants? Daisy Fuentes or Tyra Banks, to galvanize those elusive young males the networks are so desperate to attract? The first bozo voted out of the “Big Brother” house, as a consolation prize?

“My hope is ‘Millionaire’ becomes a TV classic--that it’s a show that goes on and on and on,” Davies said. If so, the series may need a new host by the time Fox has gone through three or four more entertainment presidents, but till then its elevated throne belongs to Regis and Regis alone--until even the indefatigable Philbin may ask for a lifeline.

Davies, however, insists there is little chance of that happening, contrasting what passes as a “grueling” show-business schedule with any real job.

“Relative to everyone else in America,” he said, “this is still an absolute cakewalk.”

And that, at least for now, is his final answer.

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* Brian Lowry’s column appears on Tuesdays. He can be reached by e-mail at [email protected].