LAUGH LINES

In the League: “ABC selected Dennis Miller to host ‘Monday Night Football.’ It had to be the league’s idea. These days, the NFL needs a guy . . . who can put all the murder, rape and drug charges in the funniest possible light.” (Argus Hamilton)

Between the Lines: “The government ordered new health warnings placed on cigar packages. The label reads: ‘Not to be sold to minors or delivered to the Oval Office.’ ” (Jerry Perisho)

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The Essential David Letterman

Top Ways Gas Stations Are Trying to Keep Customers Happy

10. Buy 10 gallons, get 11th gallon for only $8.50.

9. Restroom keys now on even bigger cumbersome sticks.

8. Finally admitting “ultra” is the exact same stuff as “regular.”

7. Want to smoke by the pump? Go nuts!

6. Allow customers to pay for tank of gas in just 19 easy payments.

5. Kids can jump around in the pit full of old spark plugs.

4. Doesn’t paying $40 for gas make you feel sort of like Bill Gates?

3. Texaco features gas pumped by one of the goofballs kicked off the “Survivor” island.

1. On request, they’ll squeegee you.

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