LAUGH LINES

Look Who’s Talking: “According to a survey, women speak [about] 7,000 words a day, and men speak 2,000 words a day. Ironically, those extra 5,000 words are: ‘Are you listening to me?’ ” (Rudolph J. Cecera)

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The Essential David Letterman

Top Ten Things You Don’t Want to Hear When Shopping in the Gap

10. “Hey Larry, we finally sold one of those ugly things.”

9. “Don’t go in the middle dressing room--I had an accident.”

8. “Fifteen minutes ago, this was on a . . . sweaty guy.”

7. “I don’t feel so good . . . I just swallowed one of them security alarm tags.”

6. “Man, you should hear what they’re saying about you over the headset.”

5. “You can’t truly appreciate corduroys if you’re wearing underwear.”

4. “Hey, buddy, wanna swing dance like in them commercials?”

3. “We paid some foreign kid 20 cents to make this.”

2. “Would you like to buy the video we took of you in the dressing room?”

1. “Buy 50 shirts so I can make sales associate of the month, or I’ll break your knees.”